Confession: I'm having an affair.
I feel dirty. The stress of sneaking around is beginning to get to me. I can't juggle them both much longer. I just need to say it. I need to get it off my chest. Here it goes...I've been going to Visio Dei and I like it! There, I said it! I've been cheating on Hope with Visio Dei.
Hope Community Church is the only church I've ever known. When I began there 9 years ago, it was a church of about 200 with one college student...Jason Gore! I still remember the first day I walked in with about 10 other college students the look of excitement on Gore's face to see people his age! It was a love affair with that church from day one. They welcomed me with open arms and gave me a church family! Since then, obviously it's grown and changed, but it's still home to me.
Along the way I met Jeff and Bobbi Jo. I was in Jeff's bible study when, after attending a conference, he began to talk about this idea for a ministry to 20 somethings. We worked through some things and hungry was hatched (PS - Jeff, I think at this point, I thought you were crazy, but was just a little too timid to say so!). After watching hungry grow and develop, it was time to move to a church plant. Every time I would hear Jeff and Jason mention planting a church out of hungry, I got a knot in my stomach. As committed to hungry as I had been, I knew it was not the right time for me to make this venture with them. How was I supposed to tell two close friends that I'd be staying behind at Hope?
The day came. Jeff and Jason passed out cards with a number scale...1-10, how committed were you to this church plant? I cried, signed my name, and circled no number. 8:30 am the next morning my phone rings...it's Jeff...I gulp. The conversation went something like this...
Jeff: "Hey Sam, just calling about your card from hungry last night. You forgot to circle a number. No worries, I circled the 10 for you. Talk to you later."
Sam: "Umm...Jeff, it's not that easy. We should probably..."
Jeff: "Sure it is. You just forgot to circle the number. Bye Sam" Click...
Good, complete avoidance of the conversation, and I think he gets the point. Hope is home, and I'm staying. I'm staying despite a restless feeling within. I'm staying even though everything in me says not to. See, I was committed at Hope. I was a leader. I served in the nursery, led a bible study, headed up the church's partnership with Trinidad. I mean, if I didn't stay, who would fill these spots. Umm...church of now 3500...probably one of the 800 trained and qualified people...that's who.
Finally, nine months later, after some tumultuous months, I showed my face at Visio Dei. The sense of home and welcome was almost immediate. It went beyond welcome. It was not like "We're glad you're here." it was more "Holy crap, we've been waiting on you. Welcome home." Just like 9 years ago, a new love affair began. I see community. I see authenticity. I see places where I can serve in a unique way. I love the Visio Dei community.
So, why do I feel so dirty? Why do I feel like I need to go and confess to Mike Lee, who has been like a father to me, that I am cheating on him with Jeff and Jason? Why, when Visio Dei feels like home, do I still feel like I have a decision to make?
Someone please help...
Hope Community Church is the only church I've ever known. When I began there 9 years ago, it was a church of about 200 with one college student...Jason Gore! I still remember the first day I walked in with about 10 other college students the look of excitement on Gore's face to see people his age! It was a love affair with that church from day one. They welcomed me with open arms and gave me a church family! Since then, obviously it's grown and changed, but it's still home to me.
Along the way I met Jeff and Bobbi Jo. I was in Jeff's bible study when, after attending a conference, he began to talk about this idea for a ministry to 20 somethings. We worked through some things and hungry was hatched (PS - Jeff, I think at this point, I thought you were crazy, but was just a little too timid to say so!). After watching hungry grow and develop, it was time to move to a church plant. Every time I would hear Jeff and Jason mention planting a church out of hungry, I got a knot in my stomach. As committed to hungry as I had been, I knew it was not the right time for me to make this venture with them. How was I supposed to tell two close friends that I'd be staying behind at Hope?
The day came. Jeff and Jason passed out cards with a number scale...1-10, how committed were you to this church plant? I cried, signed my name, and circled no number. 8:30 am the next morning my phone rings...it's Jeff...I gulp. The conversation went something like this...
Jeff: "Hey Sam, just calling about your card from hungry last night. You forgot to circle a number. No worries, I circled the 10 for you. Talk to you later."
Sam: "Umm...Jeff, it's not that easy. We should probably..."
Jeff: "Sure it is. You just forgot to circle the number. Bye Sam" Click...
Good, complete avoidance of the conversation, and I think he gets the point. Hope is home, and I'm staying. I'm staying despite a restless feeling within. I'm staying even though everything in me says not to. See, I was committed at Hope. I was a leader. I served in the nursery, led a bible study, headed up the church's partnership with Trinidad. I mean, if I didn't stay, who would fill these spots. Umm...church of now 3500...probably one of the 800 trained and qualified people...that's who.
Finally, nine months later, after some tumultuous months, I showed my face at Visio Dei. The sense of home and welcome was almost immediate. It went beyond welcome. It was not like "We're glad you're here." it was more "Holy crap, we've been waiting on you. Welcome home." Just like 9 years ago, a new love affair began. I see community. I see authenticity. I see places where I can serve in a unique way. I love the Visio Dei community.
So, why do I feel so dirty? Why do I feel like I need to go and confess to Mike Lee, who has been like a father to me, that I am cheating on him with Jeff and Jason? Why, when Visio Dei feels like home, do I still feel like I have a decision to make?
Someone please help...
posted by Sam Ed. at 9:15 PM
6 Comments:
hah, that made me laugh... thanks!
no decisions Sam, you're still part of Hope, just further down the family tree...
Vacillating
Is
So
Interesting.
Only, it
Doesn't solve
Everything does
It ?
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff, I don't think it's so much like "further down the family tree" as it is the weird step-child.
please review my previous comment for hidden additional themes.
little sam...my dear dear little sam...i am in a place where i believe that God uses different people and places to shape and mold us at different times in our lives. i have learned that it can be very painful to "let go" of where we have been, the people who brought us to certain places and to just be where God has us. i have to be honest...i am in the "mourning" process with some of the most instrumental people in my walk with Jesus...people that taught me and showed me what it was like to be chased by God, to love Jesus and let His love overflow into the lives of people around me. they have moved away, our relationship has changed but i can't spend too much time "mourning" the loss of that relationship because i will miss where God has me right now, the people and places He wants me to experience Him with. All this to say...i think i have felt/am still kind of feeling what you are feeling, but i know God is very much alive in my life and stirring up my heart and the hearts of those around me and that is exciting!
Post a Comment
<< Home